So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”