My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
kevin is now a local weatherman
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.