Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
😅😅😅
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.