My dryer is celebrating lint.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face