My dryer is celebrating lint.
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.