“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Breaking news:
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.