Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏