I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.