ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Awwwww shit.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.