Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!