Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My inexpensive home security system…
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.