My inexpensive home security system…
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m not proud
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*