didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Miscakes
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related