I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
inside you are two wolves