“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something