“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.


[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird


Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry


this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in


I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.


[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”


Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]


wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
me: oh


Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.


as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water