sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now