SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
they really do be looking like this
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.