So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
#ProTip
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.