I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?