It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…