Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
sin harder.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.