Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.