Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
i made a craigslist ad !
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Schrödinger’s Dumpster