Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
meow
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them