In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost