[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”