Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
when there are deer in the woods
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER