“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Lmao
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.