I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?