I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Wait a minute
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.