If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Finally
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry