me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Camping tip: No.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Safety first
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free