Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
The prophecy is fulfilled
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
is this meant to deter me
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Sniffing the broccoli
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]