A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
What my back needs
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa