A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When you don’t understand how floors work
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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