Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance