“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*