The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You Might Also Like
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
It’s a gift
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
True
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no