I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney