When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.