I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
That eye roll….
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Big Sex has us all fooled
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN