I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.