My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
You Might Also Like
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
(more comics:
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
selena gomez
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
🙂🐾
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”