I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
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I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
War & Peace
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.