[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.