My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Festive toon…
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Yes
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.