My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.![]()
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…