I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO