my friends when i can’t do basic math
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.