A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
he’s doing your taxes
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.