My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
You Might Also Like
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.