The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.