When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Got him!
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels