Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.